First Christmas
by Shutterbug5269
Summary: Borrowing a prompt from Chezchucles. A series of short vignettes of the first Christmases from my various AU stories. Starting with Agent Rodgers.
1. Agent Rodgers Chapter 1

**First Christmas**

_**Author's note** this first chapter is set in the 'Agent Rodgers' universe, three years after the events of "Out of Exile." For those of you who are unfamiliar...Alexis died at age 8 propelling Rick into a career in the FBI as he could no longer bring himself to write. Kate was shot as in canon..but her injuries were severe enough that she could not pass the NYPD physical and was medically discharged. The Nikki Heat books were instead written by Katherine Beckett. Last but not least...Johanna Beckett is very much alive but living under the assumed name of Jessica Bennet. Montgomery is also alive...but the world believes him to be dead._

* * *

Thanksgiving Day, 2015

The Thanksgiving festivities were finally winding down. The last dishes were washed and dripping dry in the sink. Ryan and Esposito were on their way to "The Old Haunt" to watch the bowl games on the big screen on Kate's dime. Lanie and Jenny were on their way out to hit the pre Black Friday sales. (they had become fast friends since both had found themselves to be pregnant at around the same time and due dates within days of each other in the spring) Jim and Jessica had invited Webb and Martha up to the Beckett family cabin for the weekend so the four of them had left an hour ago. Kate was upstairs tucking the twins into bed telling them bedtime stories and singing them to sleep like she had done since they were born.

Suddenly alone in the now quiet and dimly lit loft, Richard Rodgers felt the first pangs of the near overwhelming dread that overcame him every year around this time since Alexis died in January of 2002.

Up until 2009 the entire week from Christmas eve through New Year's Day had been spent either unconscious, hungover or in a drunken stupor. Grieving the only way himself, Meredith and his mother could bear to handle. The pain had been too much to bear much had happened since the last time Christmas had been spent that way. Kate had come into his life and everything had changed, but down deep the old familiar pain remained.

* * *

Christmas had always been a big deal in the Castle household. After Alexis had been born, he had wanted to give her and Meredith so much that had been denied him as a child in a single parent household of limited means. Even after it was just himself and Alexis he had still wanted that. Every year he had added something new and different that he had found in his travels. Sparing no expense to make the season special for his little girl. This was especially the case after she was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia and began chemotherapy.

If he closed his eyes, he could picture every single detail (down to the placement of every last ornament on the tree) of how the loft had looked the Christmas of 2001 as if it was yesterday. It was one of many images he both cherished, but had also spent the better part of a decade trying to blot from his memory every Christmas since with copious amounts of alcohol.

Alexis had been so pale and wan when she had restarted chemo that last Chritmas, but the prognosis had been good and the oncologist had recommended a shorter run that time. To that end, he had outdone himself that year to cheer her up. Bought her a pretty dress and promised to take her to the book launch for the new Derek Storm novel.

Sixteen days later he had found her dead in her bed. Three days after her funeral he had packed every single decoration, down to the last pine needle and scrap of tinsel, painstakingly packing them all and placing the boxes in storage. He never wanted to look at them again. Never wanted to see the loft done up for the holidays when whole reason he cherished the holiday in the first place was lying buried in the frozen ground on the other side of Manhattan. That he had, a few years ago, learned that she had been poisoned did not make things any easier. The knowledge simply added a new layer of guilt to an already sullied holiday.

* * *

After Emily had been taken from them before she could be born, and everything that had followed after, emotions were simply too raw to even think about Christmas. Kate had had her own issues with the season stemming from her mother's "death" that robbed her of the joy of the holiday season. (issues that had not gone away with the discovery that she was, and had been, very much alive all along) He had remembered spending the Christmas Eve sitting at his desk across from hers doing paperwork the year he had started at the precinct. Both of them silently working and trying not to think about the season because of it.

After she learned she was pregnant with the twins they had been so thankful to be given another chance to be parents that Christmas had come and gone before they were fully aware. The greatest gifts they could have been given that year had been growing in her womb. Gifts they had to wait until May to unwrap.

* * *

The following Christmas season, they were so stressed out that neither of them even contemplated the notion of marking the holiday in any formal way. The twins were barely six months old and still were not sleeping through the night. Between their colic, the late night feedings and the child abduction case he was neck deep in, Kate had turtled up with the babies in the nursery with his Glock 30 in easy reach. Nothing had scared Rick more than when he came home after they had caught the kidnappers and rescued the children they had taken, to find a stressed out Kate in the kitchen preparing formula on the stove, the large caliber pistol in the back waistband of her jeans with the safety off.

Meredith had unexpectedly come to their rescue when she appeared at their door on December 23rd. She had taken one look at how close to the ragged edge the two of them were and simply took over. She ensconced herself in the upstairs guest room, absconded with the baby monitor and banished them to their bedroom after 9 PM for the rest of the week.

Kate had protested weakly at first, insisting that she could take care of her own children without the help of his ex-wife. Protests that died shortly after they crawled into bed where she was out before she hit the pillow. Every night that week, Rick would try to talk her out of it and Meredith would insist that they weren't doing their babies any good if they couldn't get a decent night's sleep.

On New Year's eve, Meredith had gotten them reservations at Le Cirque for a romantic night out to ring in the new year, her treat, and not taken no for an answer. After New Year's Day, she made them both promise that they would call her if they got overwhelmed again.

Rick hadn't known at the time where this "new and improved mama bear" Meredith had come from, but he had been in no position to complain, neither had Kate. They had needed the help desperately. When he later pressed his ex-wife on the subject, she got a sad, withdrawn look on her face, couldn't look him in the eye and in a barely audible whisper stated, "It's my penance."

Jim Beckett later explained to them, that part of her 12 Step program for Alcoholics Anonymous was to identify the people she had wronged and try to make amends. She clearly attributed her drinking to her guilt over walking out of their daughter's life, and was taking care of her half siblings to make amends both to Alexis and to Rick for her past behavior. She wanted to change...to be better, not just for them, but for herself. Rick couldn't help but be proud of her, even now. From that day on, "Auntie Meredith" was always welcome in their home and Kate would not permit a disparaging word to be spoken of his ex-wife in her presence.

Rick and Kate had come to a consensus after that winter that if they had to make themselves mark the Christmas season, that they would wait to do all of the traditional trappings at least until the twins were old enough to actually take part and enjoy them. The hope was that their enthusiasm would become contagious, and make things easier for them, too.

* * *

The following year, when the twins were nearing two, they dodged a bullet when his parents had invited them to Washington DC. Richard Webb had wanted an opportunity to bridge the chasm between them that his near forty five year absence from their lives had created. Or perhaps he had merely wanted to dote on his grandchildren and spoil them rotten. Rick hadn't been certain at the time, but his father had thrown him a lifeline to get out of the loft and its many memories and he jumped at it.

Rick, Kate and the kids had not been in Falls Church, Virginia for more than a day when an invitation to a Christmas party being thrown at the Greenbriar Resort and Hotel by the Director of the FBI. His father and Martha urged them to go, in spite of the fact that the invitation had been purely political. The current director had only received her appointment because he had turned it down and was likely putting on airs. But Martha had insisted that a night out away from the kids who had at a festive holiday party was still a night out. His mother might have changed her tune had she known who else was on the guest list.

When Will Sorenson, Director of the Boston field office had arrived at the party with his wife on his arm, Kate had bristled and any potential good cheer had been leached from the proceedings. Rick had spent the better part of the evening keeping a firm grip on Kate's arm to keep her from bolting or making a scene. The two of them had come to a professional understanding after their disastrous first meeting all those years ago. They would never be friends, but at least they could stand to be in the same room together when needed. (a few rounds in the sparring circle had certainly helped)

Kate was under no such obligation to play nice with him or be more than coldly polite, however. She had not forgotten the incident in the precinct six years before, when her former boyfriend had tried to interfere in her life like he had had the right. She had also not forgotten the cruel things he had said to Rick about Alexis, nor was she ever likely to forgive him. To this day she wanted nothing to do with the man. She kept her composure, but that didn't stop her from looking daggers at the man every time his mingling brought the man close to them when she thought Rick wasn't looking.

They excused themselves and departed as soon as they could politely do so.

* * *

But now Johanna and David were three years old and had spent enough time at the Federal Building's daycare center while Kate was writing to know that Christmas was supposed to be a happy, festive occasion. It was not supposed to be the dark, melancholy affair that he had allowed it to become. He wanted them to have the joy that had been taken from him. Kate agreed with him that the joy of the season was not something they could deny their children. Sacrifices would have to be made, if necessary.

Rick knew that this first Christmas was going to be the most difficult for him to handle. As much as he wanted to banish it for his little ones, the melancholy dread of the season was still there, still threatening to overwhelm him if he let it. It was in that spirit that he found himself here in Forest Hills Cemetery standing in the little knoll with it's two small headstones that had come to define his existence for over a decade. He had to find a way to let go. To say goodbye and leave his past in the past so he could give their two children the life they deserve.

"Merry Christmas, girls."

_**additional note** The next chapter will be better I promise. But I had to deal with Agent Rodger's melancholy with the season first before making things better for him. Figured I'd get the most angsty of my AU Ricks out of the way first. The stories get lighter from here._


	2. Agent Rodgers Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

When Rick didn't come home from work right away, Kate knew where he had gone. Where he always went when special holidays he had ignored for years were thrust upon him. Holidays he had almost exclusively spent with Alexis before she died, as if seeking her permission, or her absolution. She could never be sure which. Like when she had tried to push Valentine's Day on him the year after their wedding without thinking what his reaction might be.

The quiet desolation when she knew his heart was with Alexis for a split second and not their two living breathing children. The guilt that played counterpoint to his grief in his eyes every time Johanna and David passed a developmental milestone. The tears that threatened to fall very time Johanna did something that reminded him of the little girl from whom she got her middle name.

Kate could see that flash of grief and guilt wash over her husband every time he looked at Johanna and for just a moment, saw Alexis instead. He would shake it off and hide his pain instantly before he thought their daughter could see it, but it never failed to tear her own heart in two to see her husband struggle with it.

Martha had remarked more than a few times (when Rick was well out of earshot) how very like Alexis little Johanna truly was. Not just her long, wavy Terra cotta hair, but her personality and temperament too. With every passing day she grew more and more into the spitting image of the older sister who's photo still adorned the wall of the playroom that used to be their nursery. The ghost Kate was certain still haunted these halls, which flew in the face of her usual disbelief in such things.

She knew Rick loved Johanna every bit as fiercely as he did David. That he loved both of their "wonder twins" every bit as deeply as she did. He never hesitated to shower love and affection on Johanna, never breathed a word or gave any indication of what he was feeling. But Kate knew it had to be killing him inside. Especially with Christmas fast approaching.

* * *

Kate felt the effect of Rick's melancholy even more keenly the next evening when Johanna and David came back with their father from daycare, the two of them seemingly giddy from a trip to the ice cream shop up the street. Though Kate found it odd to go out for ice cream in December, she knew it was something he needed to do after going to see Alexis' grave. He needed to spend time with the twins.

He was in the study, locking his Sig Sauer in the safe and getting ready to take a shower, when their daughter asked the question she had been dreading for nearly a year.

"Christmas s'posed to be a happy time, Miss Jennifer said so, right mommy?"

"Yes, my sweet girl, it is." Kate whispered, dreading what was coming next from the fat tears welling in her daughter's big blue eyes.

"Then why does daddy look so sad?"

Kate had to fight to keep the tears out of her own eyes as she pulled Johanna and David up onto her lap on the couch. Snuggling them both and trying hard to find the right words.

"Remember the picture on the wall in your playroom?" She finally whispered.

" 'Lexis...she's in heaven with Jesus" Johanna whispered, obviously parroting something "Papa Jim" had told them.

Both herself and Rick had given up on any belief in a higher power long before they ever met, but her father had latched onto his Catholic upbringing through AA. At one time she had been concerned about her father taking the twins to mass with him, but their Christening had been such a beautiful affair, even Rick had been touched and it made conversations like this one a little easier.

"That's right baby, she's in heaven...with Emily." Kate nearly choked up at the mention of the daughter she'd miscarried, her own sense of guilt undiminished even after all this time. "A long time ago, long before mommy and daddy met she was your daddy's first baby."

"But...who was 'Lexis' mommy?" David interrupted, unable to contain himself, or his voracious curiosity any longer.

"Auntie Meredith was her mommy," Kate replied, the common bond of losing a child having breached the gulf between herself and Rick's ex-wife in a way nothing else could have. "She had never been a mommy before, she got scared and ran away, so daddy took care of Alexis all by himself."

It was the best spin she could think of to put on what Meredith had done all those years ago. Kate would never be able to reconcile what the former "deep fried twinkie" had done to Rick, but she honestly believed that the universe had punished her just about enough after Alexis had died. That Meredith had punished herself far more than anyone else ever could and she had worked so hard over the years to be a better person since. Kate couldn't help but respect that. After everything that Meredith had done for them the last few years, she would not be the one to sully her relationship with the twins who adored their somewhat quirky aunt.

"One day Alexis got very very sick and stayed sick for a long time. Two weeks after Christmas, when she was eight years old, she went away to heaven, making daddy very, very sad."

"You aren't gonna run away, are you mommy?" David asked, the terrified look on his face, like if he looked away, she might disappear, tore her heart to shreds.

"No, my darling boy...never...you two and your daddy mean everything to me."

Kate knew in her heart that there had once been a time when she just may have done just that. The thought that she might once have run away from everything she now held so dear was another reason she had become close to Meredith over the years. _"But for the grace of God go I" _she thought to herself.

"All the ways?" The twins asked in almost perfect unison.

Lanie had told her more than once how cute it was whenever she and Rick had done that on a case, but she hadn't realized just how precious it was until she saw their children doing it. They had always been in perfect sync, even from the womb.

"Always, my babies, always." Kate hugged her kids and kissed the top of both of their heads.

"But...what about daddy?" Johanna whispered in a hushed tone, the tears not yet gone from her eyes, "How do we make Christmas better for daddy?"

Both sets of eyes turned expectantly upon her, one blue, one green, seeking guidance and reassurance from their mother.

"We need to be patient with daddy," she finally replied, "he loves Alexis every bit as much as he loves me and the two of you. He still misses her very much and wishes she could be here with us. He wants this Christmas to be happy too, but he just needs us to help him to find his Christmas spirit again. Maybe if we all try to show him how happy we are this Christmas, we can help daddy see that it's okay for him to be happy again too."

Both little heads nodded enthusiastically and scampered off to find and tackle-hug their father, whom, unbeknownst to Kate, had witnessed nearly the entire conversation.

Rick's heart swelled with love for his wife and his children, before he slipped back into the study. He doubted he could have handled the situation any better and made himself a solemn vow that he would try to make Christmas better for all of them. That he would try to be better. Alexis did not need him anymore, nor did Emily. Kate and the twins did.

* * *

December 23rd, 2015

Kate took the twins over to visit her parents to help them decorate their tree in a none to subtle attempt to give him some space. Not saying, quite loudly, what she had told the twins about _"being patient with daddy." _She recalled from childhood that they had usually done this much earlier, but there had been an urgent matter for _"Jessica Bennett" _in DC. An investigation by an Agent Rachel McCord, looking into things the AG's office should have better left alone. A matter that she'd had to attend to before settling into the Christmas spirit and dad hadn't wanted to start without her.

Watching the twins "ooh" and "ahhh" over each ornament they were handed to place on the tree made Kate's heart unclench just a little more about the trappings of the holiday. She promised herself that she would talk to Rick about decorating the loft, at least the living room anyway. Provided, of course, that she could get her parents to let her bundle the twins up and go home.

It didn't take her finely honed detective's training to tell her she was being stalled for time, and not just because her parents wanted _"quality time" _with their grandchildren. Her parents knew she hated driving at night, especially with the children in the car (a lingering side effect of the accident that took Emily from her) so something important was up. She sensed no duplicity from them, however, and the twins were enjoying themselves, so she let it go. Even as their appointed departure time came and went and it grew darker and darker outside.

Half an hour later, two sharp raps on the door to her parents home sounded and her father opened it to reveal Sergei Emmetovich Ivanov, the man in charge of his family's security. His daughter Ekaterina was close on his heels, still in her NYFD paramedic's uniform with her shy, teenage daughter Nikita clutching at her arm.

Kate now knew that her husband was up to something. She would have been worried, but she knew that Sergei would rather chew off his own left arm and be beaten to death with it than bring his granddaughter into a dangerous situation.

"Mr. Castle sent me with town car, Mrs. Castle." Sergei explained in his Muskovite accent "He was...delayed...and said you prefer not to drive at night. Brought Ekaterina to follow with family car." He shrugged sheepishly but with undisguised pride at his littlest one. "Little Nikita could not pass up chance to see twins."

Kate knew that Nikita was powerfully shy. The thirteen year old girl was a gifted musical prodigy and could play her violin in front of hundreds of people without a single missed note, but without her violin she seemed lost. Sergei practically doted on her as did everyone who knew her. But she only seemed to come out of her shell around the twins and had an open invitation to babysit anytime she liked.

She let Nikita help them into their coats and boots, listening to her whisper to them in Russian as she bundled them up. Her two children were just as enthralled by the Russian girl as everyone else. _"If she ever figures out how much power she has over people she's gonna be a heart-breaker...provided any boy is brave enough to approach Sergei" _Kate remarked to herself as she, the twins and Nikita piled into the back of the town car after turning over the keys for the Audi to Ekaterina.

The reason behind Sergei bringing Nikita soon became readily apparent as the town car pulled away from her parent's home and out into the gathering darkness. Kate had stared down and conquered her fear of the dark at a young age, but between her shooting and the car accident she found that it had resurfaced when she was either driving or riding in a car.

Rick knew she would not want to frighten the children with her battle against her lingering terrors and had obviously asked Sergei to provide a suitable distraction for the twins. _"That sweet, loveable, adorable, caring man" _she thought to herself _ "he thinks of everything."_

Nikita was doing an admirable job of keeping Johanna and David focused on her even as the young girl's slender hand found hers, giving it a reassuring squeeze. Letting Kate know it was okay to take care of herself, that she had the twins. The young girl's sweet voice singing softly in Russian was soothing her own fears as it was distracting the twins. The girl was a godsend.

When they arrived back at the loft, nothing had changed that she could see, though Rick looked tired, like he had been doing a lot of heavy lifting. The satisfied smile on his face, like the cat who ate the canary made her wonder. But he seemed to be at peace with himself, like a weight had been lifted and she didn't want to spoil his seeming good cheer, finding it to be a hopeful sign, so she let him put the kids to bed with Nikita's help and bid Sergei and his family good night.

Before she could ask about what he had been up to, he placed two fingers to her lips and whispered,

"Shh, not tonight, it's a surprise...for Christmas."

She decided to let it go for now, giving him the moment. She realized that he was doing this at his own speed so she would wait him out and see what he was planning. Like she had said to the twins, she would be patient with him. She owed him that much.


	3. Agent Rodgers Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

**Veni Veni Emmanuel**

* * *

_Veni, veni Emmanuel;  
Captivum solve Israel,  
Qui gemit in exilio,  
Privatus Dei Filio.  
Gaude! Gaude! Emmanuel,  
Nascetur pro te, Israel!_

* * *

Christmas Eve  
11:00 PM

Though she hated being out in a car at night, Kate allowed Rick to talk her into accepting her father's invitation for her and the twins to go with him and Jessica to the Christmas Eve midnight mass. She knew that her husband was up to something and had been for the last couple days. He had been quiet and was acting strangely. Hanging up the phone when she came in the room, leaving for work early and coming back late with no mention of where he had been.

At first she had been worried it was another child abduction case and he was hiding it from her. She knew she had been a freaked out paranoid wreck the Christmas after the twins were born, jumping at shadows, carrying Rick's Glock 30 wherever she went, especially when she was feeding the twins. Only when she had seen the look of abject horror on his face after he had tugged the .45 caliber handgun out of the back waistband of her jeans ejected the clip and ejected the round from the barrel, had she realized how far she had fallen. Feeding her babies, while carrying a loaded pistol with the safety off and a round in the pipe.

She repressed a shudder at the thought, but rejected that out of hand, he had never been that good of an actor. She knew all of his tells when he was working one of those. He became harder, darker, more focused. He could not have hidden that from her if he tried.

The more she thought about it, though, the more she realized that her father had been acting just as strangely. When she and the twins had been helping her parents trim their tree, she now realized that the angel she remembered from her childhood had been replaced with a new one with no explanation, along with several ornaments she had personally helped him put away last year. He had told her that he couldn't find the box they were in, but for a lawyer her dad was a really bad liar. Good thing he worked in contract law.

Her mother had given no indication that anything was amiss, regardless of the fact that said missing angel and ornaments had been in her family for nearly four generations. Kate had thought nothing of it at the time, merely assumed that she still had gaps in her memory and dad hadn't wanted to push her this time of year. Though "Jessica Bennet" was much better at concealing her intentions than her father. Better even than when she had been known by her real name, Johanna Beckett.

She sensed no real duplicity from either Rick or her parents though, only a very mild conspiracy of silence. Whatever it was that Rick was up to, she implicitly knew was to their benefit, and the thought that he had obviously sought the counsel of her parents, especially her father, made her feel less apprehensive about it.

She knew Rick was having trouble coming to terms with doing Christmas this year. If he was seeking help from one of the few men he knew who had had to take the same first steps in this direction not so long ago, then she chose to take it as an encouraging sign that he was moving in the right direction. She was certain that everything would be revealed to her in time.

She hated secrets. It had once been her job to ferret out secrets and shine the light of truth upon lies to bring killers to justice. Her deep seated need to know the truth had been how she had first truly come to know the man she was now married to. But if it helped him come to terms with his own demons, she would let him have this one.

For now.

* * *

Rick had been awestruck when Kate had come out of their bedroom dressed to go to midnight mass with her parents. While she had been preparing for the evening he had been corralling the twins. They had been put down for a nap to prepare for the evening and it was his job to get them dressed and ready. Kate had taken great care in selecting their outfits and they were excited to have a night out with Nana Jessica and Papa Jim. They hardly got to see their grandmother and wanted so badly to impress her.

Kate was dressed conservatively to be sure, but she looked so classy and elegant that part of him longed to be going with her and the kids to mass, even though he had long ago given up any belief in a higher power. She was gorgeous in the near floor length Versace dress, the matching wrap and her impossibly high heels. It had been months since he had seen her dressed up and the sight of her took his breath away, almost distracting him from his plans for the evening. Plans that depended on her and the children being out of the loft for a couple hours.

As soon as he had personally placed them in the town car with Sergei, he was on his phone to the only people he knew who would not let the cat out of the bag. Thankful she preferred the Christmas morning mass.

"Lisbon, this is Rodgers. Tell Patrick we are a go, two hours and counting."

* * *

As the mass neared it's conclusion, Kate sat near the back flanked with her children on either side of her listening to the soloist performing in Latin Tears rolling down her cheeks as she could not help but think of her husband.

_Veni, veni Emmanuel; Captivum solve Israel, _

_(o come o come Emmanuel and ransom captive Israel)_

She thought about how Rick had been captive to his own grief for nearly as long as she had mourned her mother and pined for a father who had abandoned her for a bottle for nearly half a decade.

_Qui gemit in exilio, __Privatus Dei Filio. _

(That mourns in lonely exile here, Until the Son of God appear)

How in many respects he was alone in the solitary exile of his mourning. She had gotten back everything she had lost on that cold January evening so long ago. Her mother had come back from the dead, and her father was slowly gaining ground to become the man he used to be. But he had gotten nothing back these last few years, Alexis was still gone, still buried in the cold hard ground. That he was trying to set aside something she did not have to to mark this holiday. Yet he was still trying to overcome something that cannot be overcome. For her. For their children. He was trying so hard.

_Gaude! Gaude! Emmanuel, Nascetur pro te, Israel!  
_(Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel, shall come to thee o Israel.)

She knew it was up to her and their children, her parents and Martha, all of the people who love him to help him find himself and his joy again. To help him finally find some measure of peace from the dark cloud that he had carried with him since that dark January morning in 2002.

* * *

Johanna and David were each holding one of her hands, their eyes glued to their mother. They were normally very active children, but they knew something was off with mommy and they were doing their level best to be good so as not to upset her. They both knew this was somehow connected to _"being patient with daddy"_ but they weren't sure how, and the tears rolling from her eyes during the service effected them deeply, so they each held one of her hands as they snuggled into their mother.

All they knew was that mommy was sad, and they wanted to help her feel better...like daddy would if he were here. Daddy made everything better, mommy had told them so for as long as they could remember.

* * *

Kate took a moment to compose herself before she stepped out of the town car, taking Sergei's outstretched hand to help her rise from the backseat before turning and reaching for her children who had fallen asleep in their car seats on the way home and had only now woke up.

Rick was waiting for them with Eduardo at the front door, reaching out to take Johanna from her grandmother's arms and bidding Kate's parents goodnight before heading indoors out of the evening's chill. The two of them carrying their sleepy children into the elevator.

As they reached the door to the loft Kate opened her mouth to speak, wanting to let him know that he didn't need to go overboard, that they could make small steps this year. When he lead her in the door, however the only thing that came out was a quiet "Oh."

Before her eyes was a winter wonderland captured in microcosm in the loft. Garland was wound around the bannister and and hung from every surface. The only way she could describe it was that the North Pole had exploded in their home. Her eyes instantly drawn to the wreathes hanging from every surface including the windows. She stepped into the living room turning full around eyes wide with wonder at what Rick had done.

She stopped in her tracks when her eyes fell on the tree, presents piled high underneath it and fully decorated with ornaments she was certain had not seen the light of day since 2001. Her eyes moved up the boughs of the seven foot tall Douglas Fir until she caught sight of the angel, her mother's angel, at the top of the tree fully lit up in a place of honor. Kate stepped forward to the brightly lit tree until she saw the ornaments that had been missing when she had been at her parents' house, interspersed with his. Combined like their families had been.

She turned to Rick, a look of surprised wonder written all over her face as he drew her in for a kiss then pressed his forehead to hers as they stood in front of the tree.

"Merry Christmas, Kate" he whispered in her ear.

* * *

_**Author's note** Thus ends the Agent Rodgers portion of this retrospective. I hope you liked where I went with it. Borrowed a bit from "Secret Santa" for the ending. I'll have the next vignette soon. The rest will likely be one shots._


	4. A Father's Sacrifice

**Chapter Four  
**

**All Is Calm**

5 December 1974  
USS Skate Infirmary

The operation to intercept and capture Carlos the Jackal had gone horribly wrong. They had been made almost as soon as they had infiltrated and from then on things had gone from bad to worse to nearly catastrophic. Somewhere during the running gunfight back to the zodiac at the exfiltration point, Smith had been wounded and the other two team members had been killed. He had had to carry his critically injured friend the last hundred meters to the rigid inflatable boat. The Skate had been forced to combat surface to take them aboard. With his injuries, Mike would not have survived a swim in the Med. Another operation had been burned, there was definitely a leak somewhere in the CIA. A leak he fully intended to find a plug...permanently.

Webb must have looked like a prize sap to Mike because the man laughed at him, wincing slightly at the pain that caused.

"What are you looking all guilty for? You know I'm too tough and good looking to die. Be a cold day in hell before I let one of those bastards take me."

Mike's expression softened a little after a moment, noting Rick's mind was still elsewhere.

"Go home Rick...it will be Christmas soon, do something for that kid you try not to talk about. He's what? Three or four?"

"Five." Richard Webb replied quietly, "Considering how I left things, I still can't believe Martha named him after me."

Before Richard Webb (call-sign "Nemesis") could turn away, Mike Smith grabbed his hand, and Rick returned the strong grip. They had been the one constant in each others lives since 1965. Three tours in Vietnam had forged a bond beyond friends, beyond blood.

"Hey...Rick...thanks."

"Anytime, anyplace, anywhere old friend."

* * *

18 December 1974

It didn't take long for Rick to find Martha and their son. He had put feelers out with some of his contacts to find them months ago. Society wasn't kind to unwed single mothers and he might not have been the best father on the planet, but he did what he could.

The building superintendent who had hit on her mercilessly offering to let her pay her rent "on her back" had received a personal visit from "Nemesis" and a less than cordial "discussion" about how that was not acceptable behavior, which cleared up the matter. The last he heard the man had resigned his position and disappeared for parts unknown. Karma could be a real bitch sometimes.

As far as the world was concerned Richard Webb died a murderer and the world was right. For now that same world would know him on paper as Jackson Hunt. Until he had paid his debt to society, it would be his penance. His cross to bear for his failure to protect Nancy and the other girls he couldn't save.

He made sure that there was always enough money in Martha's bank account to pay the rent and keep the heat on. If he couldn't be there while he paid his penance, he would do what he could to make sure that at least their basic needs were met. He had made Martha the beneficiary for his life insurance when he had been declared officially dead, to make sure she and Ricky were taken care of.

* * *

21 December 1974

He had seen his son with his own eyes today. Martha had taken him to Rockefeller Center to see the tree. He saw the wonder that had lit up on his five year old son's face. The son who bore his name. He had seen how meager their existence was and decided he would try to do one thing right for his family. Give them the one thing that Martha could not that year. It wasn't much, and it was far less than they deserved from him, but it was something he could do.

* * *

Christmas Day 1974  
12:25 AM

Richard Webb had picked the lock on their apartment door twenty minutes before (making a note to himself to see to it the new super installed better ones later) and looked over his handiwork. Though the tree in the Rodgers apartment was a small thing it was now heavier by a few well chosen gifts from "Santa" for the two of them and a few added extras to the stocking Martha had filled. He had noted that they both needed warmer coats and boots. A GI Joe for Ricky and a selection of comic books. To their pantry he left the fixings for a decent Christmas dinner, along with instructions because he knew Martha was not the best cook. He left a note in the pocket of Martha's new coat so she would know that it had been him. Otherwise he left no traces...or so he thought.

He heard a noise coming from the area of the fire escape and all of his senses were instantly on full combat alert. _"If this is a burglar he's gonna get more than he bargained for." _Webb thought to himself as he turned to meet the threat. Ready to show any intruder into his family's home _why_ his call-sign was _"Nemesis" _

Only to be faced with the wide eyed wonder of five year old Rick Rodgers.

"Santa?"

For the hundredth time Webb was grateful he had gone all out and purchased the Santa suit. That he would not traumatize his son on Christmas Day, of all times. He had enough sins to make up for.

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" he laughed quietly for effect, giving the boy a wink, a warm smile and placed a finger on the side of his nose, just like in the story, sending the boy scampering back to bed.

His son.

He vowed to himself that he would one day make things right with Martha and Rick, if it was the last thing he did. Until then he would do his best to give them the only real gift he could. A safer world for them to live in. They were worth the sacrifices he was making.

"Merry Christmas, son." he whispered after the boy's retreating form before he turned and let himself out. Again noting that he would have a chat with the building super to update the locks. Not knowing that Martha had seen him. That she had been watching the whole time, a mother's heart holding a deep well of secrets, before she too sighed and returned to bed.

* * *

_**Author's note** Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. I'll do a few more between now and New Year's day, then back to the hiatus ficathon._


	5. Author's note

*Author's Note*

I had a more ambitious idea for this retrospective, but in the end I just could not find my muse for Christmas tales for the other AU's I had in mind to explore with this retrospective. Not to mention the fact that Thanksgiving and Christmas were really close together this year. Life also got in the way.

For the moment I will be clicking_ "complete"_ on this, but the nice thing about Christmas is that it happens every year so I do have the option to come back and do more with it next year. I want to get back to my ficathon endeavor while there is still time to make the deadline. So I will be back to writing "Return of the Triple Killer" ASAP.

I hope you enjoyed it. Happy New Year!

Shutterbug5269


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